


Like Ashes

by yavannauk



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: First Kiss, M/M, Magic Revealed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-12-03
Updated: 2008-12-03
Packaged: 2017-11-25 05:51:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,334
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/635769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yavannauk/pseuds/yavannauk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Necessity makes for a dilemma.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Like Ashes

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the [](http://undermistletoe.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://undermistletoe.livejournal.com/)**undermistletoe** prompt - trapped in a snowstorm, blizzard and/or cold cave. The Moment of Truth totally messed up how this story was originally supposed to go, but consider it to be set between that and The Labyrinth of Gedref. With grateful thanks to Hils for reassurance and help in making the ending better.

Merlin didn't need Arthur's admittedly superior tracking skills to recognise that the footprints rapidly filling in with new fallen snow meant that they had managed to walk round in a circle. Not that it really surprised Merlin all that much; the snow storm which had come with sudden ferocity out of the previously clear sky had left every path through the forest looking far too much alike.

Arthur wasn't taking the situation anything like as well. He had looked at their tracks first with disbelief and then with something akin to betrayal. Now Arthur's frustration was rapidly transmuting into anger, which Merlin was fairly sure would not help at all with their predicament.

The snow came halfway up Merlin's boots now and the damp chill of it seeped through the worn leather, numbing his toes. They couldn't simply stand here, that much Merlin knew, or they would both end up freezing where they stood.

"Should we try again?" Merlin asked, drawing Arthur's sharp gaze to him.

"Maybe you would enjoy such an exercise in futility," Arthur said bitterly. "I would not."

"Then what would you have us do?" Merlin ventured cautiously.

Arthur's answering laughter held nothing of amusement. "I would prefer not to freeze to death, so I suggest we seek shelter. Though, given that all these pathways look the same now..."

"Wait, sire, I have a suggestion," Merlin said, a quick flash of memory providing him with inspiration.

"Let's hear it then!" Arthur said impatiently. He pulled his cloak tighter about himself, clearly not willing to actually admit how cold he was. "We don't have all day."

"Sorry!" Merlin shot him an apologetic smile. "I just remembered, though. A short while ago I'm certain that we passed by the entrance to a cave. We could find shelter there and wait out this storm."

"And we can find our way back to it by following the trail we left before," Arthur finished, quickly catching on. He quirked a smile at Merlin. "Maybe I have managed to teach you a thing or two after all. Come on, let's find this cave before the snow fills in the tracks completely."

Merlin ducked his head to hide his pleasure at the veiled compliment, then struggled after Arthur as he began to follow the trail they'd left in the snow. Merlin hoped that they'd find shelter soon, because his hands and feet were both becoming numb now, and he was certain that could not be a good thing. He huddled deeper into his coat and concentrated on not losing sight of Arthur, at the same time casting about for any sign of the cave he'd seen before.

It was Arthur, though, who spotted it first, pointing out the entrance as he turned to call back to Merlin. It was barely more than a smudge of darkness against the surrounding snow and Merlin was grateful for Arthur's sharp eyes. He almost stumbled into Arthur as he finally caught up with him again, but just managed to keep himself from falling. Merlin didn't miss the look of concern that flitted briefly across Arthur's face as he reached out a hand to steady him. Arthur's touch was a welcome spot of warmth on Merlin's arm as he guided him off the path and into the rather dubious shelter of the cave.

The wan, wintry light didn't illuminate much, but it showed a flat, sandy floor barely dusted by snow. Evidently, this place was protected from the wind to some degree or surely more would have drifted inside. It was only a small blessing, but Merlin hoped it would at least allow them to start a fire. He really wanted to get the feeling back into his chilled hands and feet, and he had never envied Arthur his gloves and well-made boots more.

Arthur was insistently pushing Merlin towards the back of the cave. "For god's sake, Merlin, sit down before you fall down. I'll go and see if I can find enough dry wood for a fire. Neither of us is exactly dressed for this weather so we shall need the warmth."

With a tired nod, Merlin dropped down onto the cold ground and drew his knees up to his chest, trying to hold in what little body heat remained to him. He was aware that it ought to be his job to find fuel for the fire, but he wasn't about to argue the point with Arthur. Merlin shivered as Arthur left, watching the cloak swirl out behind him. It was true that they weren't dressed for the conditions that they'd encountered, but it really wasn't the season for snow in Camelot.

Merlin was reluctant to blame the sudden storm on anything other than freak weather, but the speed with which it had come upon them really didn't seem like a natural phenomenon. He tried to think what kind of magic might have been used to cause a blizzard to blow up during an otherwise mild, autumnal day, but his mind felt cloudy with fatigue and he couldn't seem to concentrate. Merlin let his head fall forward onto his upraised knees and allowed sleep to take him.

The sound of Arthur stamping snow from his boots roused Merlin from his drowsing. He eyed the rather meagre pile of firewood that Arthur had gathered with dismay. Following the line of his gaze, Arthur responded by crossing his arms across his chest defensively.

"My sword is hardly a match for a woodsman's axe," Arthur said. "It was never intended to do... this." He waved a hand at the stack of twigs and small branches he had managed to collect. "I'm not sure how much good it will do us anyway. This infernal snow seems to have soaked everything."

Everything including Arthur, it appeared. Merlin couldn't help noticing that his blond hair was dusted with a crown of snow, which melted only slowly before dripping onto his shoulders. Snapping his attention back to more important considerations, Merlin uncurled himself from his place by the wall and began sorting through the wood for the driest pieces. Then he added the kindling, hoping it would be enough to start the fire. Arthur crouched beside him, digging in his pack for flints, which he used to strike a spark.

Merlin shivered as a sudden breeze seemed to gust around their shelter, confounding Arthur's attempts to coax the damp kindling into igniting. As many times as he tried, the flame stubbornly refused to catch, leaving Arthur cursing softly under his breath. What hopes Merlin had had that sorcery wasn't involved died as Arthur struck yet another spark, only to watch it sputter out like those before it.

"Come on!" Arthur muttered furiously. "I do not intend to end this day freezing to death in some godforsaken cave."

Merlin appreciated the sentiment, but the firewood didn't seem to be impressed. It still resolutely refused to catch fire and Merlin knew that without heat there was a real possibility that they would not survive the night. He could hear the susurration of the continuing snowfall outside and was fairly certain that no one would venture in search of them while conditions were so bad. Merlin clenched his frozen fingers into fists and considered the other option at his disposal.

He could use magic to light the fire and keep it burning, but at what cost to himself? Arthur really wasn't a fool and Merlin knew there was little hope that he wouldn't realise what Merlin had done. However, if he did this at least they wouldn't both die of hypothermia. Though, on reflection, Merlin suspected that would be a gentler death than Uther would offer him once he learned that he was a sorcerer. Merlin swallowed his fear and made his choice. In retrospect, it really wasn't all that difficult. He couldn't stand idly by and risk Arthur's life when he had the means to keep him safe.

"Here, let me try," Merlin said, leaning forward to take the flints from Arthur's hands. "I do this more often than you so maybe I know a trick or two that will help."

Arthur snorted softly, but yielded to Merlin's request.

"Be my guest, Merlin," he said, sitting back on his heels.

More in hope than expectation, Merlin made his own attempt to light the fire without resorting to magic, but it proved futile. The sticks were simply too damp to catch alight. With a sigh, Merlin bent his head and spread his palm above the pile of wood. It barely required more than a thought and a softly whispered word to bring forth a small but effective blaze that danced lightly over the firewood. Merlin let the brief flare of gold fade from his eyes, knowing that there was no way of disguising what he had just done. Arthur's shocked gasp confirmed Merlin's fear and he let his shoulders slump in defeat. This was where it ended. Arthur would have no choice but to tell Uther what he had just witnessed, assuming he didn't choose to exact his own summary justice.

Merlin kept his head down, not daring to look at Arthur's face. He knew he could not have done otherwise, couldn't have left Arthur to freeze, but he still wished that it hadn't come to this. It occurred to Merlin that maybe this dilemma was exactly what whoever had sent the snowstorm had wanted him to face. He could think of at least one person who would revel in his predicament and be glad to see him torn from Arthur's side. Merlin couldn't be certain that this situation was of Nimueh's making, but he was sure that she would be happy to deprive Arthur of the protection he could offer.

The heat from the fire was now slowly penetrating the chill in Merlin's limbs, but his heart remained frozen with fear. Arthur hadn't said a word, indeed, had barely moved a muscle since Merlin had revealed his ability. Merlin wished that he would just do or say something, anything, to give him a clue as to what his fate was to be. He cleared his throat carefully, hoping to provoke some kind of a response from Arthur - even if it was just to tell him to shut up - but there was nothing except for his slow, measured breaths.

Finally, Merlin risked a quick glance to the side. Arthur knelt like a statue, cold and unbending. Only his eyes seemed alive, focused on Merlin with a shocked, wide-eyed gaze.

"Sire, let me..." Merlin ventured meekly.

"Do not speak!" Arthur snapped. "I need to think. I need..."

As his words trailed off, one leather-gloved hand curled into a fist where it rested on Arthur's thigh. Merlin wondered if he was fighting the urge to simply strike him down. After a moment, Arthur shook his head and turned his eyes towards the fire, lost in thought.

Merlin bowed his head again, staring resignedly down at his hands, and waited.

The wood cracked and popped as the flames Merlin had created slowly consumed it. The sound seemed ominous as it filled the silence between him and Arthur. Merlin shifted awkwardly, trying to take advantage of the cocoon of warmth without drawing Arthur's attention to him again. He had no idea what to expect from Arthur now and it was, perhaps, the first time that Merlin had truly feared him. He did, after all, hold Merlin's fate in his hands. Merlin drew his arms and legs closer to his body, trying to make himself as small and unobtrusive as possible. There was no point in attempting to flee; Merlin knew he would be lost and helpless in the snow. Besides, his extremities were only now properly thawing out, allowing feeling to creep back into them. There really was no other choice for him but to wait and see what Arthur would decide.

Merlin let his cheek rest on his drawn up knees and watched Arthur covertly from under his lashes. Arthur still held himself unnaturally motionless; he looked almost as if he had been carved out of ice as he remained just outside the circle of firelight. Time seemed to crawl onwards at a snail's pace and Merlin began to wonder if Arthur intended to ignore him until rescue came, or until the snow abated enough to allow them to find their own way back to Camelot. It was, therefore, enough to startle Merlin out of his guarded watchfulness when Arthur finally broke his silence.

"So, tell me, when we fought against Kanan and his men in Ealdor, was it you, not Will, who was really the sorcerer?" Arthur asked, still unmoving.

"Yes," Merlin replied, the single word feeling like ashes in his mouth. He hesitated, unsure whether Arthur expected him to say anything more.

"But he knew that he was dying and so claimed responsibility," Arthur continued in an eerily calm voice. "For your sake... He truly was a good friend to you, Merlin."

"I know," Merlin said, hiding his face against his knees, not caring if it muffled his words. He felt an abrupt pang of guilt for what he had allowed his boyhood friend to do for him. "Will said that I should tell you and I did try, but the battle came upon us too soon and there was no other chance. Then, once he did that for me I... I just couldn't."

"Yet I gave you every opportunity to tell me the truth, Merlin," Arthur persisted.

"Yes, I know that." Merlin swallowed hard. "I wanted to, but knowing puts you in an impossible position when it comes to your father. Either you turn me over to him to be executed, or you have to lie to him to protect me. How could I ask that of you?"

"You should have trusted me, Merlin," Arthur said and the hurt that was evident in his voice made Merlin ache. "That choice is a matter for my conscience and surely you know me well enough to realise that I would never allow you to come to any harm. I defied my father's wishes to return the druid boy to his people. How could you imagine that I would do any less for you?"

"When I came to Camelot I didn't know you, Arthur, and let's just say that my first impressions of you weren't exactly favourable," Merlin said softly. "Then there was Gaius and, just like my mother, he was always cautioning me to keep my magic secret..."

"Wait, even Gaius knows?" Arthur interrupted, letting Merlin's comment about their early acquaintance pass. There was, nonetheless, disbelief in his tone.

"Yes, he does, but please don't hold that against him," Merlin begged. "Gaius was afraid of what Uther would do if I should ever reveal what I was capable of doing. He never meant any harm by it."

"And what of you, Merlin?" Arthur asked harshly. "Do you mean me or my father harm?"

"Of course not!" Merlin looked up abruptly. Arthur's face was cast in shadow by the flames, but Merlin could still make out the bleakness of his expression. "I am truly sorry, Arthur. I wish I had told you. I should have trusted you, should..."

"Yes, you should!" Arthur's eyes flashed angrily as he turned to face Merlin. "If I don't know the truth I cannot protect you. And I would protect you, Merlin, trust that."

"Arthur..." Merlin wrung his hands together, unsure how to respond to Arthur's fierce declaration. Arthur was staring at him, direct and assessing, and Merlin found the intense scrutiny unnerving.

"So, the truth," Arthur continued, shifting closer to the fire and, perhaps not coincidentally, nearer to Merlin. "All those times you managed to save my life, you used magic to do so, I assume."

There was no point in denying it now, so Merlin merely nodded. "Yes."

Arthur gave a self-deprecating laugh. "So many things finally begin to make sense. I can't believe I never saw it before. Dear god, and I always thought that you were a terrible liar. Merlin, the risks you've taken..."

"I've taken them gladly," Merlin said fiercely. "For the good of Camelot... and for you."

Abruptly, Arthur moved, reaching out and grabbing Merlin by the shoulders. Jolted out of his protective huddle, Merlin stared at Arthur warily, wondering what he would do next. Arthur simply looked back at him for a moment, a measuring gaze, but then his grip tightened and he shook Merlin hard. Merlin let himself go limp in Arthur's grasp, trying not to let his fear show.

Arthur made a strangled sound, low in his throat. "I always said you were an idiot, but I had no idea... You ought to have told me. Once you knew that you could trust me, you should have told me." Arthur paused suddenly, his expression turning to shock. "You _do_ trust me now, don't you?"

The fear evaporated and Merlin met Arthur's eyes steadily. With absolute honesty he replied, "Of course I do, Arthur."

Arthur's body slumped with obvious relief and his grip on Merlin gentled, though he made no attempt to let go. "Good, that's good."

Merlin waited expectantly, not trying to break free either. Cautiously, he asked, "Arthur?"

With a long intake of breath, Arthur seemed to pull himself together and the brief glimpse of vulnerability was hidden. "Mark this well, Merlin, from now on there must be no more secrets between us. Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes. No more secrets," Merlin babbled, his own relief finally getting the better of him. "I promise."

"That's good," Arthur repeated, giving Merlin another shake for good measure.

As Arthur moved to pull away, Merlin made another choice. Steeling himself, he reached out a hand to keep Arthur from withdrawing. Arthur raised an eyebrow at him in question.

"About that promise," Merlin said, his voice a little unsteady with nerves. "There's something else I probably ought to have told you."

"What is this, Merlin?" Arthur said, a frown creasing his brow.

Before he could think better of his decision, Merlin leaned forward until he could press his lips against Arthur's. There was a breathless moment where Arthur froze as surely as if they were still stranded outside in the snow, but then his hands tightened on Merlin's arms and he pulled him closer.

Arthur's breath was warm against Merlin's mouth as he whispered, "Oh..." Then he was kissing Merlin back with evident relish. Apparently, some secrets were easier to come to terms with than others.

When they slowly drew apart, Arthur looked stunned in an entirely different way. His hands kept Merlin near, though, and Merlin found himself feeling warmer than he had done in hours. The sensation had little to do with the fire and everything to do with the heat that radiated from Arthur's body.

"You really do know how to complicate my life, don't you, Merlin?" Arthur said, and his voice sounded just as shaky as Merlin's had. He let go of Merlin with one hand, raising it so that he could trace the outline of Merlin's lower lip with one gloved thumb.

The touch made Merlin shiver in ways that had nothing to do with the temperature of the cave. "Is that a bad thing?"

Arthur's expression turned rueful. "I believe I'm still trying to work that out."

"Do you think that you'll be able to? Work it out, I mean," Merlin asked.

Arthur caught hold of Merlin's chin, tilting his head so that the firelight shone full on his face. He regarded him thoughtfully. "If I do, I can assure you that you will be the first to know, Merlin."

He cut off any possibility of a reply by pulling Merlin into another kiss, this one deeper and more proprietary than before. As he let himself be swept up in the unexpected pleasure of it, Merlin reflected that, perhaps, whoever had sent the snowfall to strand them here had done him a favour after all.


End file.
